WHEN YOU ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT THEM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Everything is until it isn't. And then it observes you, when you are not thinking about it. I was very young when this happened. I could hear my breaths, I could hear me. It was freedom, freedom from ignorance, ignorance of what I could not see. I could not stop myself, I kept on walking with a plastic bucket over my head. It was inevitable, the world knows how to teach you: give you something to regret about. This time ground was gone, all it was air. I slipped rolling down the stairs with the loud thumps. My mother rushed to me and picked me, pulled away the bucket and threw it away. She grabbed me by shoulders and shrugged me angrily while checking for injuries,

"What were you doing?"
"Sorry, I don't know."

Her anger quickly disappeared and she comforted me with a hug.

"Please never do this again."

In no time, she carried me to the nearby medical dispensary. My legs and arms had some minor injuries though my face and head were only bruised. The evening was tiring, I felt weak even when my mother did not stop caring for me one moment. I went to sleep much sooner than usual. Some nights feel slow, they seem to never end, prolong your pain: trap you in your own thoughts. And some nights relieve your pain. In the middle of night, my eyes opened. My mother was sitting beside me. I did not sit up and silently kept observing her. She was crying with a photograph of me and her in her hands. The photograph was taken just a day before. We are standing in the photograph, smiling at the camera. She is holding me tightly. Smiles last until tears.

Now, I have grown. I am constantly worried. Today, I and my mother have come back to our home in the town after years. Nobody lives here now except for our short visits. My mother was tired from the travel, so she went to sleep shortly after we arrived. I never understand causality nor healing. Past bleeds into present, painfully. The constant longing for freedom slowly takes you away from every contraint. But I can not ignore it. I have to find out the truth. My mother and I are still smiling in this photograph. After having a long look at the photograph, I am going to sleep now. It is midnight and I am awake. I hear faint footsteps from the outside. I look outside the window and the younger versions of me and mother are standing and posing for the photograph. They look at me and suddenly run towards inside and disappear near the photograph. I go towards the photograph and think about,

"When you are not thinking about them, What are they doing?"



- Nimitt